m

So I was dusting off the old writing files and found this little skit I wrote about a year ago.   Funny, it still all applies.   *sigh* I suck.

Reporter: Thanks for siting down with us.  I know that things have been [loud banging] difficult for you, but we really appreciate you rearranging your schedule to do this interview.

Syd: Sure.  I figured it’s time that I break my silence.  It’s time [louder banging] people [more furious banging], errrm,  my characters understand what this is about.

Reporter: [nods] I think [thwack] that it’s [thwack] important to let [thwack] everyone [looks pointedly at the door] know what this is about.   So if you’re ready, should we begin?

Syd: [swallows cotton balls] Umm…yeah I’m [voice trembles] as ready as I’ll ever be.

Reporter:  [looks into camera] I’m here with future best selling author-to-be Syd.  [channels Leeza Gibbons]

Syd: [raises eyebrows and mutters] Impressive.  Great lips too. Damn. [digs in pockets for chap-stick]

Reporter: [continues in Leeza’s dramatic cadence] It is day [dramatic pause] 84 of the writer’s strike. That is Syd’s writer’s strike.  Take a look at this.

Junior Cameraman: This job sucks

Reporter: [glares] Shut up Stewie.

Syd: Pardon? [watches cameraman pull out a pack of cigarettes] Oh, excuse me.  I’m really sorry, but we don’t smoke– Wait…what did you cut to?

Reporter: Oh…just some candid footage.  You can watch here [points to small TV].

Syd: [looks horrified and begins to choke on 2nd hand smoke and humiliation]

Reporter & Syd: [watch video.]

Syd: Oh dear lord.  Shit.  The laundry.  I didn’t have any…It’s umm…with the writing and housework it’s hard to keep clothes….umm…washed.  You’re not going to give this to TLC’s What Not To Wear are you?  [watches video of self bending over in piling yoga pants]

Reporter: But you haven’t been writing, right?

Syd: [flushes] Well, no.  No writing per say, but I spend a lot of time creating iTunes playlists, casting my characters, finding cute little writing meters, a little bit of plot–

Characters: [loud banging]

Cy: [surprisingly clear even through the new steel reinforced silver plated door] Syd, whoever is smoking in your house is going to fucking die.  Also, I did like that new Staind song you added to my playlist.

Reporter & Syd: [looks at cameraman who takes another deep drag on his cigarette]

Syd: [frowns] I’m not talking to him right now, but I’d listen if I were you.  Staind is so perfect for your broodiness Cy.  It’s really inspiring some great dream–

Cy: [voice sounds closer]

Syd: [spins around to see where the mob has moved to]

Cy: You better listen you donkey.

Axel: [apparently talking to mob] He doesn’t have shit for brains does he?

Syd: [looks at Reporter and Shit-for-brains] I don’t know if I can guarantee your safety.  They are really riled up.   Understandably.

Mob: You don’t understand anything! We’re sitting in limbo.  We hate limbo!

Syd: [stutters and begins to rambles]  It’s really hard.  I have a real life.  A baby, husband, work issues, a fan–

Mob: [chants] Limbo is for bimbo’s! Limbo is for bimbo’s!

Syd: Hurry.  To the office.  They’re going to break down the door.

Reporter: How do you know?

Syd: I’m writing this.  I know what they’re going to do.  [mutters] Bimbo.

Cy: On three.

Syd: [mutters] Figures he’d organize them. [yells over shoulder as she waddles up stairs at penguin speed] You don’t even wanna be your coven leader, Cy!

Cy: [steel door clangs in foyer, wood splinters] I’m gonna lock you in a room with Dom, Syd.  And when you’re tied up in a chair he is gonna to describe in very graphic detail every encounter with every woman–

Syd: Nooo! My ears will fall off.  I’m not that liberal. His escapades aren’t really suitable for adults, even!

Syd: [watches SkinnyAss use her damn pilates-is-so-hollywood hamstrings to effortlessly climb the stairs] Hurry.  The door on the left.  [slides around corner like a de-clawed puppy]

Hollywood Diet & Delinquent: [shocked into silence]

Syd: [slams door and engages all 25 locks]

HollyHo: Will those hold them?

Syd: [shakes head slowly]

To be continued…

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2 comments

  1. October 5, 2010 at 11:39 am E. M. Rowan

    I remember this!! I’m still hoping it will be continued! 😀

    BTW: you don’t suck. Life takes priority over characters, and sometimes there’s nothing you can do about it. You’re an awesome mom and wife and friend, and that’s what matters most. You’ll find your writing time someday . . . *hugs*

    • October 9, 2010 at 10:01 am Syd

      I can definitely continue this skit. LOL. My characters are pissed.

      Meh. There are too many thoughts in my brain. I wish i could narrow
      down my ambitions and just focus on one or a few.

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