Graphic Artist, Writer and Girl Geek
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Posts Tagged with ‘parenting’

Bullied.

February 27, 2013
bullied

I’ve sat staring at the blinking cursor for many nights, trying to find the right way to begin this post. I wanted to write it weeks, even months ago. This issue has been on my mind a lot in the last few years. Ever since Itty started Kindergarten and we experienced bullying first hand. So I’ve had time to think about this. To contemplate the reasons, causes and solutions. And I thought when I was finally ready to write this post that I would have answers to all those things. A clear course of action that would help others based on what has helped us. No wonder I procrastinated!

Because I don’t have a clear course of action. I remember naively thinking that speaking to the mother of the child who bullied my child throughout Kindergarten would being a dialogue that would eventually resolve the issue. Her grasping-at-straws attempt to say something, “Well my daughter told me Itty didn’t like her drawing and that’s why she acted out.” fell quite short of what I expected would happen. Especially considering her daughter was “acting out” every day towards Itty and others.

Well we evolved. From the tears that fell every drive home, we started to talk about kids Itty wanted to be friends with and kids that simply weren’t the type of kids she wanted to spend the majority of her time with. Eventually by the end of the school year, she had learned to say no to this one particular girl. It wasn’t easy. This “friend” was insistent — constantly hounding Itty to play, claiming that she would be nice now, or using emotional blackmail “I’ll never speak to you again unless you sit with me.” It went against everything that was inherently natural to Itty — to heed someone’s request of her. They just wanted to play, right? What could be so bad about that? But time after time, Itty learned that playing with this “friend” meant being bullied into doing things exactly her way or being bullied out of the friendship if Itty disagreed. The Kindergarten teacher was even shocked by the behaviour – surprised by the maturity of the blackmail. She had seen this kind of behaviour in older kids, not in Kindergardeners she told me.

Summer came and went and we kept our fingers crossed that Grade 1 would be different. Maybe this “friend” would be in another class. Didn’t quite work out that way. So the cycle continued. The “friend” made promises she was different and Itty believed her.  At first she was different, then the emotional blackmail and bullying started up all over again. Itty and I were both fed up and I decided to contact the mother again.

Her initial response to me,

Wow, my heart hurts…….. As a parent, my first reaction is to get defensive and come to [daughter's] defense and claim her innocence. My second reation was… “Really, again???”

Fine. Fair enough. He response felt honest but what I can’t buy is the incredulity.  The kindergarten teacher had numerous discussions with this mother. The grade 1 teacher as well. And this was the second time I was bringing it up with her. She claimed to be “an adamant advocate against bullying and an HR professional” yet she couldn’t see what was happening?

And what sealed the deal for me was her final comments near the end of our discussion.

All I can promise is that we are working on the behaviour…… But from the bottom of my heart I have to be honest and tell you, if I ask [daughter] about school and who her BEST friends are… Itty is ALWAYS the first one she talks about  I guess the old adage is true… we always hurt the ones we love

Excuse me? Old adage? Maybe the wayward thoughts of some drunken poet or the justification of an abusive husband…But what 7 year old girls should live by? I don’t fucking think so, thank you very much.

And we evolved again. Only I put my foot down more sternly. I explained to her that I appreciate her always including others in her play and that yes she should consider everyone her friend, but that taking abuse from someone was unacceptable. She would have to stand up to this one particular girl and accept the fact that not everyone is a good friend. Some people just don’t know how to be friends and even though you still treat those people with respect, you do not under any circumstances. TAKE. THEIR. SHIT.

I blocked out the name of the child to protect her identity.

I blocked out the name of the child to protect her identity.

The mother never did speak to me again. Never once questioned whether things had gotten better. That was last February. Thankfully, Grade 2 has been peaceful as this particular child is in another class. Unfortunately her bullying hasn’t stopped as I just heard from another mother that her daughter is struggling with the class dynamics dictated by this one particular child. It makes me incredibly sad because I know exactly what this mother and daughter is going through. The only comfort I can give them is that there is a lengthy list of children that have been in one way or another bullied or rubbed the wrong way. As terrible as that is, it means that you are not alone and have support.

After all of this, I found that the only solution is what my family and I can do. As kind as someone can be on the outside it doesn’t mean they will face their flaws and change — as this mother failed to do with her child. She truly seems like a nice person, but for whatever reason she’s not getting this. And I suspect this may be the case for many parents. I’m not naive to think this won’t ever happen again. My goal is to raise my daughters with the skills and tools they’ll need to face whatever challenges they face. Bully or not.

Until then, we will support causes like PinkShirt Day, and I Am Someone. One day, when my little terror is in school I would love to volunteer with the Kids Help Phone or in a school anti-bullying program. Children like Amanda Todd will not be forgotten no matter what color shirt I happen to be wearing.

 

 

Motivation

February 1, 2012

I didn’t blog my weekly update last week because it’s been much of the same, me dragging my butt, grabbing whatever is available to eat and basically not sticking to my plan.

I’ve actually been feeling really bummed lately. Disappointed in myself and wondering what I need to do to find that motivation I had when I was pregnant. I am repeatedly shocked to realize that the way I love my children and the way I love myself is so completely at opposite ends of the spectrum. It took me one day to kick my bad eating habits to the curb while pregnant and for myself? I haven’t even come close to doing, o-kay!

So what is it that I’m lacking? Motivation? Willpower? Self-respect?

I don’t have the answer, but I will tell you that in the past I would beat myself up over not doing as well as I had planned and then give up. I’m not giving up and I will not berate myself anymore. Today is a new day, I’m just gonna have to do better at it than I did yesterday.

I did however get a little boost from this blog I came across, called Runs for Cookies. It’s about this one woman’s experience in losing 125 pounds over the course of 16 months. She details her challenges and triumphs (which I haven’t completely read — there are a lot of posts!), but what really got to me was her page titled, 100-lb Difference. She details all the differences she has experienced since losing a 100lbs. Many of the items on her list, I can totally relate to and have yet to overcome. Over all, perusing her blog was a motivational experience.

I also came across another woman’s blog where she details her weight loss week by week and posts her starting weight and current weight. Yesterday she just celebrated reaching that 50lbs lost milestone. Her blog got me to thinking that it might be a good thing to come out of the closet with that weight number. I’ve been undecided on that fact because I’m ashamed by it. But if I’m ashamed by that number, than I’m saying I’m ashamed of myself and that’s not good for staying positive.

So what to do? Readers, if there any readers out there, what do you think? Should I post my weight and stop hiding by this false reality of being, “not that fat” or is it an unnecessary embarassment? Leave your thoughts and opinions in a comment if you’d be so kind :)

I’ll leave you with this great motivational blog on cutting sugar out of your life. I think Sarah is onto to something!

Love Heals. Hate Destroys.

January 13, 2012

I was missing my mom the other day. Probably because I’ve been feeling like an inadequate mother lately. And whenever I feel like this, I always think about the challenges she had to face as a single mother and wish that she were around to talk too. Just someone to confide in, vent to, cry to…

So I started looking through a photo album of my childhood and something changed inside me. There was this one particular picture of my mother — the way she posed for photos (head tilt, hands in pockets, hand under chin, drama queen!), the sound of her laughter, the way she smelt — it all came back to me.

I knew her. I know her. And I haven’t known her in a long time. This woman that I was looking at…this, this is the mother I loved with all my heart. Even though I haven’t loved her for a long time, I remember it all, and I do.

That might sound strange but for the longest time I was angry with her. Actually I thought I hated her. But peeling back the layers of dysfunction I can tell you that I put up a block to protect myself from the feelings of loss. That barrier prevented me from seeing who she really was and what she meant to me. But those walls came crashing down. Because I’m learning about who I really am, I can see who she really was. And I could picture her here in my life. I’ve never been able to do that before. She was lost so far back in my past that I could never imagine her here in my present.

And I realized in that moment that I want to live to love and love to live. Hate for any reason, even if you think it’s justified will not bring you happiness. This is a gift. Knowing her again is a gift. Because love trumps all. Love, not hate has the power to heal. And right now I feel her love all the way through the passage of 15 years and I feel a little more whole than I did. That is a beautiful thing.

Gestational Diabetes: The Food

November 27, 2011

Last week I posted my first post in my Operation: Weight-Off series, titled Gestational Diabetes: The Diagnosis. Getting that diagnosis and the fear and stress that comes from it is absolutely real and understandable, but it’s the power to do something about it that’s really important.

I remember getting the news from my doctor/midwife right before the christmas holidays just as I was walking out the door to boot. I told you last week that according to her rules, I grabbed a mandarin orange and a handful of almonds as I ran out to the car. I can’t remember where we were going at the time, but I do remember being afraid.

My mind whirled over the meal possibilities and I was coming up blank. I slowly savoured the orange and almonds because I didn’t know what I was gonna eat next, but I knew I had to stick to the rules. My unborn child was counting on me after all. Feeling hungry and upset, the only answer I could come up with was a Subway salad since we were out. It wasn’t satisfying in the least and I still didn’t know what I was gonna eat after that! This went on for a week, not knowing from meal to meal what I could eat, until I finally got the hang of it.

My diet was certainly not culinary magic, but it got me through 4 1/2 months of pregnancy. As I embark on this sugar-free lifestyle again, permanently, I hope that I can vary things a bit and keep it interesting.

Let’s start with the rules first:

1. No sugar. Period. I’m not kidding.
2. No fruit juice.
3. Absolutely no white flour of any kind.
4. A maximum of 2 servings of fruit/day but only when accompanied by a handful of nuts.
5. Protein with every meal.
6. 1 cup of beans/lentils every day.
7. 6 small sized meals spreadout through the day, including a late evening snack before bed.

Let me go over each rule in a little more detail now:

1. No sugar.
This seems like a no-brainer but you’d be surprised what the hospital diabetes counselling program will tell you. I went only because my doctor felt that it was an ethical conflict to give me the diabetes counselling herself since I was also her patient. I attended the session and only gleamed one useful tip — and that was the number of carbs to eat per meal. It wasn’t something I strictly followed, but in the early days it gave me a guideline to work with (15-30g morning, 30-45g lunch, 30-45g dinner and 15-30g for snacks. One piece of bread/half a muffin/one slice of pizza =’s 15g of carbs) According to this hospital program I could add a teaspoon of sugar to my morning coffee as it was within the 15-30g’s of carbs allotted for breakfast. Grrrrreat, I’m gonna eat a teaspoon of sugar as my morning meal. Sure this works mathematically, but physilogically and emtionally you’re setting yourself up for failure. By God man, no sugar!

2. No fruit juice.
This seems pretty obvious, too, but hospital nutriontists will tell you it’s okay. I think I read somewhere that you should never drink your calories. Even if the sugar in the juice wasn’t enough to skyrocket your blood/sugar levels, why would you waste your calories on a drink? It’s not very satisfying.

3. No white flour.
These top three rules are the hardest — the restrictions. And you will quickly find out when you start looking at restaurant menus or recipes you may have that everything is made with white flour. Even when it doesn’t look white, it’s made with white flour. There are alternatives out there, so keep faith!

4. A maximum of 2 servings of fruit/day accompanied with nuts.
The nuts act as a protein and essential fatty acid that help balance the blood sugar. You’ll actually appreciate this rule when you realize how good fruits and nuts go together. I did push the limit of this rule a bit, by having more than 2 servings but only with fruits that were low on the Glycemic Index. Like strawberries with homemade granola. Yummo!

5. Protein at every meal.
Being a vegetarian, this rule was one of the hardest — at first. But the protein is essential to keeping you full and your blood sugar low. I think one of the hardest challenges to overcome being a vegetarian who has never been big on eating proteins is feeling satisfied without the piece of bread with each meal. It was a psychological obstacle that over time I broke, but I easily revert into that mentality when I’m not actively telling myself I don’t need it. This is where the protein comes in and until you get your body used to the protein being the focal point and not the carbs, it’s a bit of a battle. PMS has nothing on carb-withdrawal ;)

6. One cup of lentils/beans a day.
This was one of my favorite rules because it was how I got my protein in as well. And there was something magically about the beans — LOL, I know I sound hoaky about this, but here me out. When I ate my lentils/beans earlier in the day (I could eat more than a cup of beans easily!) my blood sugars were more balanced throughout the day and I felt better. When I didn’t have the beans my blood sugar was harder to control. Not that I was ever over my limtis, but they just weren’t as good as they should have been. Since I started this diet almost 2 years ago we’ve had a constant supply of organic canned black beans on hand no matter what. Can’t live without the beans!

7. Six small meals with a bedtime snack.
You’d think this would be easy. It really isn’t. Being a busy mom, I’ll be lucky if I can get in a decent breakfast and eat again before 5pm. It’s just hard to remember to do, but you need to keep a steady stream of good stuff in your body instead of allowing your blood sugar to drop off and then spike when you finally get food into your system. Hence the bedtime snack…by eating a good nutritious bed time snack, the number of hours you’re fasting through the night is a little less. Therefore your breakfast isn’t gonna spike your blood sugar as bad as if you hadn’t eaten anything since dinner time.

And that’s basically it. Next week I’m gonna cover some meal ideas and give you some examples of what I ate. Hopefully this past week has been good to you and you’ve been good to yourself.

If you’re following along, and feel like sharing your thoughts/questions/highs & lows, please leave a comment! I’d love to hear from you!

Gestational Diabetes: The Diagnosis

November 23, 2011

Pregnancy is such a glorious time. For me anyways. I always feel healthy and beautiful and…sexy. But both times I’ve been pregnant I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. The first time I was under the care of a midwife who didn’t push me to go for further testing (except for the 1-hr glucose test) as I insisted that finding out I really had diabetes would be really upsetting (never make a pregnant woman unhappy, right? Wrong in this case, but it all worked out). I promised I’d act as if I had gotten the gestational diabetes diagnosis and  keep a food diary,  not eat any sugar and even watch my intake of super sweet fruits. Thankfully that was enough because my daughter was born at home, without any complications in a planned homebirth, with a normal birth weight of 7bls 9.5 ozs!

During that pregnancy I had gained a total of 22 pounds and lost all of that exactly one week after I gave birth to my daughter. Throughout the pregnancy I was very careful about what I ate, but I didn’t start watching my sugar intake until I got a spot at my midwife’s clinic when I was 7 months pregnant. I had gained almost 20lbs by that point. I’m guessing that the very low sugar diet actually caused me to lose weight because she was born very healthy and at a normal birth weight, while I only gained 2 more pounds the last 2.5 months of my pregnancy. I want to note that in both pregnancies it was never my intention nor was I instructed by my midwife and/or my naturopath to try and lose weight. Losing weight was just a pleasant side effect of a healthier sugar-free diet.

Since having my first daughter, I’ve been under the care of my naturopath (who is amazing, by the way).  We see her as our regular family doctor but she was also our midwife and delivered my last daughter. Over the years we’d talked about weight loss many times — I’ve really needed to lose a whole bunch of weight, but I never got really dedicated to the job so hadn’t seen results.

Well this last pregnancy changed all that. At around 5 months pregnant, my doctor did the standard gestational diabetes test that most pregnant women get, and the results weren’t good. During my first pregnancy I was just on the cusp of being required to go for the secondary test to confirm gestational diabetes, this time around I was firmly, unequivocally, diabetic. No need to go for any more testing.

My doctor/midwife, actually called me at home to give me the news. It was the week before Christmas and the clinic was closing for the holidays, but she didn’t want to wait the two weeks to see me before I started on her prescription. Her prescription was a diet/life-changing wake-up call.

I had to admit that I was frightened and unsure that I would be able to do it. Which only struck home harder when I got off the phone with her and had to find something to eat before I left the house. Hubby was actually outside, with the car running, waiting for me. So I grabbed the first “safe” thing I could see — a mandrain orange and a handful of almonds.

I was shaking when I got in the car and I started to cry. Hubby assured me that I would be able to do what was required and everything would be fine. I knew that I would do what I had to for the baby, but the tears were for me. It was abundantly clear that I had been putting myself last for years. It took only a hint of danger to my unborn child to completely drop the bad eating habits I’d indulged in for years. The change was instantaneous. From the moment I got off the phone with my midwife to the day she was born, I did not do put anything in my mouth that I shouldn’t have. I had a few “cheat bites” maybe 2 or 3 times in 128 days, but not enough to get a reaction out of my blood sugar. And still, I only cheated 2 or 3 times. I was so discplined that the moment my midwife weighted and examined my daughter she knew how discplined I had been. Further proof was in the weigh in. Exactly one week after the birth of my daughter I weighed in at 33lbs lighter.

I realized then that I could lose weight. But without that motivation to protect that unborn child inside of me I fell off the bandwagon. It took a while to revert to old habits, but I did. And now, 19 months later I am ashamed to admit that I have gained almost every one of those pounds I lost, back. I now struggle everyday to matter as much as my daughter did. It is much harder to love myself than it was to love my unborn child.

But that’s why I’m bearing my soul here. I find great inspiration and motivation in sharing my heart with you all and hearing your stories and experiences!  So I hope to get back on track and take you guys on my journey. If you want to join me, please let me know by leaving a comment if you’re so inclined! My goal is to post my weekly update every Wednesday in a special Operation Weight-Off feature.

Next week will be the actual gestational diabetes diet that I followed while pregnant and am currently adhering to! Hope to see you guys next Wednesday! Healthy eating and exercising to all!

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