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    1. You may develop a receding hairline.  And if that’s not bad enough, the tufts of hair left will gray or turn into a wire brush. It’s possible that that hair will grow back.  As permanent baby air/weird bangs. But that’s only a temporary problem. You’re gonna pull them all out in 3, 2, 1…
    2. You will grow hair in places hair should never grow.  Places you can’t reach.

 

    1. Skin tags.  I’ll let that sink in for a minute.  *whistles*  Great for babies, you know?  Something to play with or hang on to while they nurse/feed.   When they get older though, they just shun those play…parts, just like in the Dr. Scholl’s Skin Tag Remover commercial. *sniff*

 

    1. Geometry has nothing on you.  They don’t have a name for your new shape(s).  *pointed look*

 

    1. The luxury of using the toilet in private depends entirely on how fast you can run.  And how long it takes your children to figure out how to unlock the door with a q-tip.

 

    1. Crusty dried baby food is a new accessory.

 

    1. Cute purse? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oooooh, ooh, oh, oh, hang on, let me catch my breath. Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha.

 

    1. Shame.  You have none.  Once everyone has seen your hoo-ha, moo-ma, and yig-yig — does it really matter?  Shirt tucked into your nursing bra?  No prob, at least it isn’t stained!  Poop on your face?  That’s what wipes are for!  Barking like a dog at the stoplight while the widows are simultaneously going up and down because it makes your kid stop crying?  Hey, at least you’re too busy to worry about the asshole texting and playing with the radio in front of you.  On no, no time to worry about external threats when you have loaded weapons in the seats behind you.  Yes, baby carrots can become dangerous projectiles in close quarters.

 

    1. Which brings me to my next point, you were once an excellent driver, but between the Wiggles blaring over the speakers, the lack of sleep, the baby crying, the toddler too hot, too cold, too hot, too cold, you may just crash your car.  On purpose.

 

    1. And finally, knowing that even though there is absolutely no way out, that it’s too late to even think like that. I mean really?  Who could you possibly trust to raise your kids, put ’em through school, help them buy their first car, yada yada yada… Despite all that, even if you could leave, you wouldn’t. Because all your good days, and your bad days and all the in between days (that you barely survive), put together, make up your life. And you’ve come to love this life and you love your kids.  But most importantly, somehow, someway, after you delivered your baby, every ounce of your self-presevation was sucked up by the placenta. Since your kid no longer needs it or your ability to not jump into a tank of hungry sharks while covered in blood, they threw it out. Yup, that’s right, self-preservation soaked placenta gone bubye. Darwin didn’t think this one through — oh no. It’s not the fittest who survive this game, but the one who can consume the most coffee and withstand the most amount of Yo Gabba Gabb without losing their minds.

 

The list of shocks and surprises could fill a few…feet of paper, but those are my personal faves.  So if you’re thinking of having a baby, don’t!  Save yourselves!  Run away to an island without children so you never think that they are some harmless creatures that are harmless.   Yes, they are cute and cuddly and smell good.  But so are vampires. Vampires sparkle and smell delicious. Then they tell you that they want to eat you cause you smell good. You persist, because they still smell good.  Now it’s too late. It’s a feeding frenzy.  You become the town pump, open 24hrs, because they’re always so damn hungry!  You nursed one through the night for two and half years and never slept, what’s another one?  It’s a downward spiral.

So find an island without kids and take me with you!!!  If you’re already pregnant? Forget everything I just said!  It was all a lie! An elaborate, senseless, senseless, lie!

Anybody have any “lies” they’d like to share?

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15 comments

  1. April 15, 2011 at 6:07 am cpblackburn73

    Yeah, I’ll share mine. These miniature people, who you would sacrifice life and limb for, are the perfect children. You carried them in your body, molded them and now, ta da, they are perfect. Fire the Gerber baby, you have got this covered. Ha! The “perfect child”, who has resisted saying cookie, kitty, puppy, etc., etc. will utter shit or most any other form of profanity that you think you were witty enough to keep from them. You aren’t giving birth to children, they’re tape recorders. And they wait until you’re in a crowded place to play back your greatest hits.

    • April 19, 2011 at 11:28 am Syd

      Hee hee. Yup. That’s where a firm hand over the mouth is totally not abuse 🙂 Duct tape works well, too!

  2. April 15, 2011 at 10:53 am N

    Running… as fast as I possibly can!

    😉

    • April 15, 2011 at 10:53 am N

      Oh, which isn’t very fast I might add! LOL! Help Syd!

      • April 19, 2011 at 11:29 am Syd

        LOL, oh N, you are too funny. I promise you won’t be alone when you have your first kid 😉

  3. April 24, 2011 at 7:02 pm Shellie Sakai

    I lost that race 30 years ago. Yep, my baby will be 30 in july. When she was 11 I had forgotten, buried or concreted over what pregnancy and childbirth were like ~ yup, you guessed it, another girl. She turned 18 last October. My husband is impatiently waiting for August/College/she will be out of the house. Me, I am looking for that bottle of mother’s little helpers to get through the separation anxiety. LOL!

    • April 24, 2011 at 10:18 pm Syd

      LOL, I forgot after 4 years! And had another girl. But I did forget EVERYTHING after #1, so it makes sense. LOL!

      Hey, my first is born in July too — is yours a Cancer?

      Once #2 is out of the house, you’ll have more time for writing, right???!! Right??!! Right! *hugs* *passes tissues*

      • April 25, 2011 at 5:01 am Shellie Sakai

        Yup #1 is a Cancer to her fingertips. #2 is a Scorpio and I am a Taurus. So it makes for interesting conversations because #2 and I agree on just about everything. With #1 I just scratch my head sometimes…..

        Yes, I will have lots more time. Right now my muse is sitting in a corner with a calendar and a shotgun marking off the days. I am truly afraid of what she is planning! LOL!

        ~big hugs~ Thanks for the tissues ~wipes eyes~ I have invested in stock with Kleenex. I get deliveries every saturday of tissue. LOL!

        • April 25, 2011 at 5:02 am Shellie Sakai

          I forgot to tell you I LOVE Your header! LOL!

          • April 25, 2011 at 3:48 pm Syd

            Oh thank you! I appreciate it 😀

        • April 25, 2011 at 3:48 pm Syd

          #1 and I are both Cancer…so I get her, but sometimes we BOTH have an emotional meltdown. #2 is a Taurus and so incredibly laid back — like her Dad who’s a Sagittarius. Somehow it all works out!

          “Right now my muse is sitting in a corner with a calendar and a shotgun marking off the days. ” LOL, that’s a hilarious visual! You better get cracking, woman!

  4. May 1, 2011 at 6:42 am Shawna Railey

    This was great!! I’m almost too embarrassed to say it, but the mamas should know. Sneezing…the first 6 months after childbirth. Need I say more??? (No, really. Please don’t make me say more.)

    • May 3, 2011 at 11:43 pm Syd

      OMG, I completely forgot about that! I might have some self-preservation left after all, and completely just blocked that from my mind!

      Oh, and coughing. *shudders*

  5. May 12, 2011 at 6:55 am Sara H

    I’m really late to this but it made me laugh my head off!
    I’ll never get over the day I answered the door and scared the UPS guy. I hadn’t showered in 2 days, hadn’t brushed my hair, breast milk was soaking one side of my shirt (it was mid feed) and I had fresh vomit down the back of the other side of my shirt. Baby was screaming and my house smelled like a diaper pail. Good times!
    Thanks for telling childless ladies the truth about the horrors that await them.

    • May 12, 2011 at 10:33 am Syd

      There’s no such thing as late! I appreciate you reading and commenting ANYTIME! LOL!

      Ooooh, that is a horror story! Sheesh, the things women have to live through! But every mother has had one of those days/moments at SOME POINT, so don’t feel too bad.

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