- You may develop a receding hairline. And if that’s not bad enough, the tufts of hair left will gray or turn into a wire brush. It’s possible that that hair will grow back. As permanent baby air/weird bangs. But that’s only a temporary problem. You’re gonna pull them all out in 3, 2, 1…
- You will grow hair in places hair should never grow. Places you can’t reach.
- Skin tags. I’ll let that sink in for a minute. *whistles* Great for babies, you know? Something to play with or hang on to while they nurse/feed. When they get older though, they just shun those play…parts, just like in the Dr. Scholl’s Skin Tag Remover commercial. *sniff*
- Geometry has nothing on you. They don’t have a name for your new shape(s). *pointed look*
- The luxury of using the toilet in private depends entirely on how fast you can run. And how long it takes your children to figure out how to unlock the door with a q-tip.
- Crusty dried baby food is a new accessory.
- Cute purse? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oooooh, ooh, oh, oh, hang on, let me catch my breath. Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha.
- Shame. You have none. Once everyone has seen your hoo-ha, moo-ma, and yig-yig — does it really matter? Shirt tucked into your nursing bra? No prob, at least it isn’t stained! Poop on your face? That’s what wipes are for! Barking like a dog at the stoplight while the widows are simultaneously going up and down because it makes your kid stop crying? Hey, at least you’re too busy to worry about the asshole texting and playing with the radio in front of you. On no, no time to worry about external threats when you have loaded weapons in the seats behind you. Yes, baby carrots can become dangerous projectiles in close quarters.
- Which brings me to my next point, you were once an excellent driver, but between the Wiggles blaring over the speakers, the lack of sleep, the baby crying, the toddler too hot, too cold, too hot, too cold, you may just crash your car. On purpose.
- And finally, knowing that even though there is absolutely no way out, that it’s too late to even think like that. I mean really? Who could you possibly trust to raise your kids, put ’em through school, help them buy their first car, yada yada yada… Despite all that, even if you could leave, you wouldn’t. Because all your good days, and your bad days and all the in between days (that you barely survive), put together, make up your life. And you’ve come to love this life and you love your kids. But most importantly, somehow, someway, after you delivered your baby, every ounce of your self-presevation was sucked up by the placenta. Since your kid no longer needs it or your ability to not jump into a tank of hungry sharks while covered in blood, they threw it out. Yup, that’s right, self-preservation soaked placenta gone bubye. Darwin didn’t think this one through — oh no. It’s not the fittest who survive this game, but the one who can consume the most coffee and withstand the most amount of Yo Gabba Gabb without losing their minds.
The list of shocks and surprises could fill a few…feet of paper, but those are my personal faves. So if you’re thinking of having a baby, don’t! Save yourselves! Run away to an island without children so you never think that they are some harmless creatures that are harmless. Yes, they are cute and cuddly and smell good. But so are vampires. Vampires sparkle and smell delicious. Then they tell you that they want to eat you cause you smell good. You persist, because they still smell good. Now it’s too late. It’s a feeding frenzy. You become the town pump, open 24hrs, because they’re always so damn hungry! You nursed one through the night for two and half years and never slept, what’s another one? It’s a downward spiral.
So find an island without kids and take me with you!!! If you’re already pregnant? Forget everything I just said! It was all a lie! An elaborate, senseless, senseless, lie!
Anybody have any “lies” they’d like to share?